October 31st, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

You know you’re having a bad day when:

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell’s Angels.

The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

You get to work and find a “60 Minutes” news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You find your sons GI Joe doll dressed in drag.

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your 4-year-old tells you that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

You realize that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

You discover that your 12-year-old’s idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

You start to put up the clothes you wore home from the party last night ….and there aren’t any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

You wake up to the soothing sound of running water…and remember that you just bought a waterbed.

Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.

Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You wake up and your braces are stuck together.

You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

You compliment the boss’ wife on her unusual perfume and she isn’t wearing any.

You need one bathroom scale for each foot.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes…and no one has touched it.

Nothing you own is actually paid for.

You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a “Welcome Back” party for your new spouse.

You receive a 150-page instruction booklet on how to save money…from the electric company.

Airline food starts to taste good.

Your mother approves of the person you are dating.

Your doctor tells you that you are allergic to chocolate chip cookies.

You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.

You realize that you have memorized the back of your cereal box.

You take longer to get over sex than you did to have it.

Your cat abandons the nice box you prepared for her and has her kittens in your dresser drawer.

Everyone loves your driver’s license picture.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

Your aunt Maddie, who has two poodles and a chihuahua, tells you that her doctor just recommended plenty of rest in a warm, dry climate…and you live in Arizona.

The health inspector condemns your office coffee maker.

You look out the window of the airplane and the Goodyear Blimp is gaining on you.

The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

People think you are 40…and you really are.

You are pigging out at McDonald’s by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.

Your new lover calls to tell you “Last night was terrific.” And you remember that you were home by yourself.

Everyone is laughing but you.

October 31st, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

yes, i am impatient and this means:

yes i hate to wait.

i “go out” with niggaz, i won’t waste time on a “date”

i always need the newest things,

if it’s shiny, that’s the best and I

got a little attitude that will pop off if u choose to test!

yes, i’m better than the rest,

call me cocky, i don’t care!

and i’d never leave the house without taking time to do my hair

call me a bitch, i’ll knock your teeth out

call me a ho, you’ll get got too.

it’s a shame your nigga talk a lot more to me than he do to you.

i’m sorry if you hate it,

but i’m a high-maintenance chick

and if anybody got a prollem, then feel free to SUCK MY…

o wait. i ain’t got one of them.
___________________________________________________

lolll, too crazy! if this applies ta u, repost! you might as well let everybody know ahead of time what they’re about ta b dealing with. HoLlA!

October 31st, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

A Mexican lady was walking along the L.A. River when she stumbled upon an old empty cerveza bottle. She picked it up, rubbed it, and SNAP!!!, a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.

She said to the Genie, “I heard from mi prima that I could get three wishes if I ever found a Genie.”

The Genie then said, “Oh no, sorry, esa. Three-wish genies are story-tale myth. I’m a ONE-WISH Genie, Uno, no mas! So…que quieres?”

The lady didn’t hesitate. She said, “I want Peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Gringos and I want all the Jews and Gringos to love the Arabs. It will bring world peace and harmony.” she continued.

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Orale! BE REASONABLE!…..
Those fools have a pedo that goes back thousands of years, chale! I’m out of shape after being in that bottle for five hundred years. I’m good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don’t think it can be done. PLEASE make another wish and please be reasonable.”

The lady thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. I want a Mexican boyfriend…. You know, one that DOESN’T DRINK ALCOHOL, nice y fun, likes cumbias, and helps with cleaning la casa. I want him to be great in bed and gets along con mi familia, and is FAITHFUL and doesn’t throw chingadazos at me. That’s what I wish for….a good Mexican man!”

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his cabeza and said, “Chingada vieja!!!……Let me see that pinchi map again!

October 31st, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

> Arthur Davidson (inventor of the Harley) dies and goes to
heaven……..
> >>
> >>At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good
man
> >>and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can
hang
> >>out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
> >>Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang
out
> >>with God.”
> >>St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
> >>God recognised Arthur and commented, “Okay, so
> >>you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?”
> >>Arthur said, “Yep, that’s me.”
> >>God said, “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s
pretty
> >>unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”
> >>Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said,”Excuse me,
but
> >>aren’t You the inventor of woman?”
> >>God said, “Yes.”
> >>”Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some
major
> >>design flaws in your invention:
> >>1. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
> >>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
> >>3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
> >>4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
> >>5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!”
> >>”Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,” replied God,
> >>”hold on.”
> >>God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
waited
> >>for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read
it.
> >>”Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to
Arthur,
> >>”but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention

October 31st, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

You Think English is Easy??? Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language ! in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”