October 26th, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

For those of you who are not “fortunate” enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver’s Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver’s test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

Here it is below:

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER’S LICENSE APPLICATION:

Name:______________ Stage name: ________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain:________________________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that
apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[x] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers ____
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving ____

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through
d) Call your therapist
e) None of the above (South Central residents only)

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) decelerate by 5 mph
b) drive twice as fast as usual
c) you’re not sure what “rain” is

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour
b) 2 hours
c) 3 hours
d) 4 hours or more

When stopped by police, should you:
a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

October 26th, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

You know your Latino if:

You have ever been hit by a chancla.

You can play any sport wearing chanclas.

You grew up scared by something called “El Cucuy.”

Others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking,

You use your lips to point something out.

You constantly refer to cereal as “con fleis.”

Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner even if it’s a one bedroom apartment.

You can dance ranchera, cumbia, or salsa without music.

You call your sneakers “tenees.”

You have at least thirty cousins.

You can’t imagine anyone NOT liking spicy food.

You are in a 5-passenger car with 7 people in it and a person shouting, “SUBANSE, TODAVIA CABEN!”

Tamales, champurrado, posole y menudo are must haves on Thanksgiving.

There is more Tequila than punch at little Juanito’s birthday party.

There is at least one member in your family named Maria, Guadalupe, Juan, Jose, or Jesus.

You swear “Choco Mil” is the same as Slim Fast and try to lose weight by drinking it.

You have a drunk uncle/aunt.

You not only know who Don Francisco from Sabado Gigante is, but you tell people he’s your tio.

You have ever had to tell your kid not to walk the floor barefoot or they’ll catch a cold.

You go to a wedding or Quinceanera, gossip about how bad the comida is, but be the first one to take a plato to go.

You have a bottle of Tapatio in your purse or back pocket.

Your cousins are delinquets/hootchies.

You have a chola in you barrio named “La Flaca” who’s bigger than a house.

You know a chola named “La Shy Girl” who is loud and obnoxious.

You need to point out how much something you just bought cost.

You have a bottle of Bacardi or Tequila in your house right now.

You’re laughing right now because some of these things have actually happened to YOUR ASS!

You’re proud to be Latino and you pass these jokes on to all your Latino friends…

October 26th, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. “Where have ye been all this
time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye
call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff….dad….I became a
prostitute….”

“Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You’re a disgrace to this family.”

“OK, dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy,
the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked
outside plus a membership to the country club….(takes a breath)….and
an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht
in the Riviera and… .”

“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.

Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff….a prostitute dad!
Sniff, sniff.”

“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant’. Come here and give yer old man a hug!

October 26th, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

Like any good mother, when Karen found out that another baby was on the way, she did what she could to help her 3-year old son, Michael, prepare for a new sibling. They find out that the new baby is going to be a girl, and day after day, night after night, Michael sings to his sister in Mommy’s tummy.

The pregnancy progresses normally for Karen, an active member of the Panther Creek United Methodist Church in Morristown,Tennessee. Then the labor pains come. Every five minutes every minute. But complications arise during delivery. Hours of labor. Would a C-section be required?

Finally, Michael’s little sister is born. But she is in serious condition. With siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushes the infant to the neonatal intensive care unit at St. Mary’s Hospital, Knoxville, Tennessee. The days inch by. The little girl gets worse. The pediatric specialist tells the parents, “There is very little hope. Be prepared for the worst.”

Karen and her husband contact a local cemetery about a burial plot. They have fixed up a special room in their home for the new baby – now they plan a funeral.

Michael, keeps begging his parents to let him see his sister, “I want to sing to her,” he says.

Week two in intensive care. It looks as if a funeral will come before the week is over. Michael keeps nagging about singing to his sister, but kids are never allowed in Intensive Care. But Karen makes up her mind. She will take Michael whether they like it or not. If he doesn’t see his sister now, he may never see her alive.

She dresses him in an oversized scrub suit and marches him into ICU. He looks like a walking laundry basket, but the head nurse recognizes him as a child and bellows, “Get that kid out of here now! No children are allowed.

The mother rises up strong in Karen, and the usually mild-mannered lady glares steel-eyed into the head nurse’s face, her lips a firm line. “He is not leaving until he sings to his sister!” Karen tows Michael to his sister’s bedside. He gazes at the tiny infant losing the battle to live. And he begins to sing.

In the pure hearted voice of a 3-year-old, Michael sings: “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray — ”

Instantly the baby girl responds. The pulse rate becomes calm and steady.

Keep on singing, Michael.

“You never know, dear, how much I love you, Please don’t take my sunshine away—”

The ragged, strained breathing becomes as smooth as a kitten’s purr. Keep on singing, Michael.

“The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms…” Michael’s little sister relaxes as rest, healing rest, seems to sweep over her. Keep on singing, Michael. Tears conquer the face of the bossy head nurse. Karen glows.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Please don’t, take my sunshine away.”

Funeral plans are scrapped. The next, day-the very next day-the little girl is well enough to go home!

Woman’s Day magazine called it “the miracle of a brother’s song.” The medical staff just called it a miracle.

Karen called it a miracle of God’s love!

NEVER GIVE UP ON THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE

October 26th, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs
down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.

The bartender comes over and, still politely – but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”