October 31st, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool next to a smaller fellow.

The smaller guy looks at the first guy, grabs him by the arms and neck, and says “That’s a choke-hold in Judo.” and lets go.

The first guy, figuring that the little guy is just a bit drunk, lets it slide.

Two minutes later, he finds himself in another painful hold, and the little fellow says “That’s a secret bracing hold in Karate.”

Now the guy is getting a little steamed, but he lets it pass. Five minutes later, the little fellow jumps on him again, and puts him in another painful and compromising position. He says “That’s a Death Move in Tae Kwon Do.”

Now the guy is angry and quickly leaves the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back into the bar, and the little fellow is still at the bar, waiting for another drink.

The guy walks up to him, and before the little fellow can move, he lunges at him, his arm flying out from behind his back.

The little fellow falls off of his stool, and is out cold.

He turns to the bartender and says, “That was a monkey wrench from Sears!”

October 31st, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”

“One penny?!” exclaimed the guy.

The barman replied, “Yes.”

So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”

“Certainly sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?” inquires the guy.

“Four cents,” he replies.

“Four cents?!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”

The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies, “Same as what I’m doing to his business

October 31st, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

How to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity in the Workplace

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender.

3) Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.”

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunch room. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

October 31st, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

Fuck is such a versatile word…

Greetings: How the fuck are you!
Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble: Well, I guess I’m fucked now.
Confusion: What the fuck…?
Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!
Denial: I didn’t fucking do it.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
Directions: Fuck off.
Chronology: It’s Five-Fucking-Thirty!
Business: I hate this fucking job.
Oedipal: Motherfucker.

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:

Where the fuck is all that water coming from?
-Captain of the Titanic

That’s not a fucking real gun.
-John Lennon

Who’s going to fucking know?
-President Nixon

Any fucking idiot could understand that.
-Albert Einstein

What the fuck was that?
-Mayor of Hiroshima

It fucking does “so” look like her.
-Picasso

How the fuck did you work that out?
-Pythagoras

You want “what” on the fucking ceiling?
-Michelangelo

Fuck a duck.
-Walt Disney

Scattered showers my fucking ass!
-Noah

Pick up the fuckin’ phone!
-E.T.

Fuck Logic!
-Spock

I can’t breathe in this fucking thing!
-Darth Vader

Fuck I’m hungry!
-Ghandi!

Do or do not, there is no fuckin’ try!
-Yoda

October 31st, 2008 by MySpace Bulletins

Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.

The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale–hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

“Hey, pal, what’s the matter?” Jack asked.

“Oh man… I’ve been transferred to California,” the other guy answered. “There’s crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, and the highest crime rate…”

“Hold on,” Jack interrupted, “I’ve lived in California all my life, and it’s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school, and it’s as safe as anywhere in the world.”

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, “Oh, thank you. I’ve been worried to death, but if you live there and say it’s OK, I’ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?”

“Me?” said Jack, “I’m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck in Oakland.”